9.A.4 - If sex were outlawed, would you become a criminal?
Video transmission from an alternate universe. Black screen crackles to life, static and snow that slowly resolves to a familiar face, wearing a worn gray suit and a grave expression.
"Whoever you are, whoever is receiving this transmission, please give me your attention. My name is Barney Stinson, and I am a soldier-- a soldier for human rights, for nature and for every free man and woman in the world."
Barney glances around nervously.
"My name is Barney Stinson, and I am a soldier-- a soldier fighting against the machines... the repressive, oppressive politically correct machine-like people who have destroyed this world."
A beautiful but disheveled woman runs into frame, whispering something in Barney's ear. "Take a squad and take protest positions outside of the reeducation center. And remind them the machines don't take us with our pants on." Barney gives the woman a deep, tonguey kiss and sends her off.
"People say it began on Judgment Day, when all sex was outlawed, but they're wrong. It began long before, when the media was censored for showing sex and people actually enjoying themselves. It began when people were told who they could and couldn't get freaky with. It began when every female over the age of 18 in New York County was given my photo and description by an angry Google programmer I never called back."
From somewhere off camera, an explosion. People shouting and screaming. Barney stands and the camera pulls back.
"They've found us. I've got to get out. No one's going to tell me I can't do the horizontal mambo. No one. If you're hearing this, spread the word."
He leans into the camera. "This is Barney Stinson, leader of the human resistance."
Black out.
(288)
